CHINA You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported
the numbers.
FRANCE You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAMAICA You have two cows Whoa! catch that sucker before he jumps the moon. no...wait.... he's just rollerskating wait a minute are cows supposed to be purple and look like Bob Marley?
Oh forget it. Pass the pipe.
JAPAN You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide
GERMANY You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
BRITIAN You have two cows. Both are mad!
USA You have two cows. One is stupid, the other disagrees with its ideals. It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for the rest of its life with no trial. The other is elected president.
SWEDEN You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA
and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo
cows last a lot longer but don't look as trendy.
NEW ZEALAND You have two cows, the one on the left
is kinda cute! Wait a minute, it bleeted! It's really a sheep!
TEXAS You have two cows. You make beef. The beef is tasty.
SPAIN You have two cows, you stick horns on them, and get men to prance around an arena in clown outfits and throw spears at them until they bleed to death.
MEXICO You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a siesta.
SWITZERLAND You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. If they give milk,
you tell no one.
ITALY You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
RUSSIA You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
CANADA You have two cows. On cold winter nights you sleep between them. You wonder why you smell that way.
BRAZIL You have two cows. One bred from the most expensive and productive cows around. It produces lots of good milk, so you feed it well, take extremely good care of it, and build it a stable to sleep in at night. The other cow is a descendent of your grandfather's beasts of burden. You feed it barely enough to keep it alive, and make it sleep outside. As a result, although potentially strong and useful, it produces little milk. Depressed, it sits in a corner all day playing a sad samba. Sometimes it steals the other cow's food, but you don't REALLY care enough about either of them to act, as long as the milk still makes you money.
GREECE You have two cows. You claim subsidy from the EU for 400 cows.
Your 199 first cousins, who also have two cows each, do the same. When the EU inspectors come around, you shift the 400 cows from cousin to cousin (on the beautiful EU subsidised Greek motorway system). Everyone gets subsidies for 400 cows. On the proceeds you open a hotel and drink Ouzo all day while you wife runs it.
HUNGARY You have two cows. One gives nothing but sour milk. You sell it to your brother without telling him.
IRELAND You have two cows. One is Catholic, one is Protestant. You must keep them in separate fields, occasionally they bite each other through the dividing fence.
Hatred stops milk production.
ISRAEL You have two cows. You insist they be pastured on a Palestinian's farm at no cost.
One day, to feed his starving family, he milks them before you can. You demand the government imprison him and build a police outpost so your cows can be watched.
PALESTINE You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the Israeli police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli marketplace.
When both cows die you blame the Jews.
CUBA You have two cows. You leave one with your family and take the other to Florida in a leaky boat. The cow makes it but you drown. The cow faces months of legal rangles and publicity before being deported.
ZIMBABWE You have two black-and-white cows. You decide that you don't like the white parts, so decide to hack them off with a knife. You then wonder why the cows seem to be dying.
You blame the white cow in the next paddock for the whole thing.
SINGAPOR You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
